Three Strategies to Get Your Toddler to Listen
Toddlers!
They are so cute in their little bodies, their boundless energy, and little laughs. Toddlers are some of the best people on the planet. But, if you are a parent to one, you know that they can make you feel crazy with frustration.
They call it the terrible two’s, and three’s if we’re honest. Experienced parents warn new parents to get ready because soon your snuggly and adorable infant will morph into something you never saw coming. They will push boundaries, make demands, hit, scream, run from you, say “no” to everything, and generally keep you busier than you’ve ever been before. It is exhausting and many parents find themselves wrestling with two realities – they are only two years old and can’t purposefully be making my life miserable, and I’m feeling anger that borders on rage and frustration that makes me want to quit.
Many parents have been able to acknowledge they have screamed and yelled, made crazy irrational threats, and even had to remove themselves from the situation to avoid becoming so angry that someone gets hurt. This level of anger and frustration can be really painful to experience when it’s your loving child who is fueling it. Outside of intensive therapy and parent training, parents want to know if there is anything that can help the situation.
You Are Not Alone
This is important to know. Developmentally, toddlers’ brains are growing at a rapid pace and they are testing limits to learn from you and others around them, all while their brains are making important neural connections from what they’ve discovered. They aren’t little grown-ups capable of understanding your experience, expressing empathy (coming soon), or putting together a plan to manipulate you. They are exactly what they look like, young brains and bodies exploring the world; bodies and brains that are beginning to understand their emotions and failing to control them.
They will test the limits of safety or just impulsively respond to something to get a need met (i.e. hitting a friend because they want their snack). They will respond to your limits and guidance by checking to see if you really mean it. They will use their newfound power of words – words they have heard from you and understand how to wield. With all that being said, here are three strategies you can use to help curb your toddler’s behaviors and become more cooperative as they are learning.
First – Don’t Say The Word “No”
Think about how many times a day you say “Don’t”, “No”, or “Stop”. It’s a lot right? And now your toddler is using these words with complete efficiency and effect. They are throwing it right back at you. Instead of using these words, tell your child what you want from them instead. If you have ever spent any time in a childcare facility or early childhood school you will hear the teachers saying things like “walking feet please,” or “gentle touches please”. They are teaching the young children how they are expected to behave. Remember, this is a time of learning, and you get to be one of their primary teachers. So, when you want them to listen, tell them what you want them to do instead of the thing they are doing wrong – none of us do well with criticism without possible solutions being offered to do it better or differently.
Second – Use First and Then
Even with the best of teachers, toddlers will still look right at you and ignore the thing you are asking or just straight up refuse to do what you have said. In most cases, when this happens, it is because there is something else they’d prefer to do or have. They are focused on the thing they want, and your request/demand is getting in their way.
To have more success with listening, acknowledge that you understand the thing that they want (the toy), but first, they must do what you are asking and then they can have or do what they are interested in. For example, if your 2-year-old son grabs the toy from his older sister you can step in and say “You want to play with this truck but I am giving it back to sister. First sister will get to finish her turn, and then when she is done it will be your turn to play with it.” You will likely have to do this over and over again as your toddler learns this new skill. Another known fact about this age is that it takes a lot of repetition for strategies to work. Some kids only need things repeated a few times and some kids need it repeated many, many times.
Third – Point them in a new direction
It seems so simple, but redirection is an amazing tool to use with toddlers. If you notice that they are doing something that isn’t safe or something you don’t want them doing, point them toward something you are ok with. Imagine your toddler has discovered the magic of turning the TV off and on. You have a stuffed animal sitting next to you on the couch and you pick up the animal and begin playing with it, saying “Hey look at this.” Your toddler will be distracted in the moment and find the stuffed animal interesting. They will move away from the TV and come to play with the stuffed animal. They might remember later that the tv was pretty interesting and you will have to find something else to redirect them to, but there are so many things that are fun and interesting when you are a toddler.
I have seen some pretty skilled parents use redirection in mid-conversation with a friend or while paying for groceries without missing a beat. It had become such a normal interaction between the parent and the toddler that it barely took much thought. You can do this too with practice.
Give these three strategies a try and see if they help with the behaviors and challenges your toddler brings daily. And remember, you are not alone and pretty soon they will grow out of this developmental stage and into the next, early childhood!
Additional Resources
If you’d like more information about parent education or therapy supports check out our services page to learn more. We often support parents through this challenging time. Services
April and her husband Peter have also created a journal to support parents as they consider their child’s behavior and play activity. So many parents have expressed frustration around play (“it’s boring, it’s strange, I don’t know how to do it”). Check this journal out if you’d like support in this area. Play Journal