Play! Please Play With Me!!! Why Your Child Needs Play and What to Do About It

I can’t tell you how many times a day I hear this statement from my own child.  It’s definitely challenging for me to think about how to give her the amount of play she is requesting, and obviously guilt provoking when I play with other people’s children all day, but don’t have time to play with her.

This weekend, I felt pulled by the obligations of running a household and playing with my daughter.  Who would buy the groceries, cook dinner, and do the dishes if I took the time to play?  These competing demands can literally squash a sense of feeling successful as a partner, parent, and generally up-kept person – or maybe that’s just me.

As I struggled to think about how to organize the day in a way to meet every single perceived demand, my husband stepped in and offered some advice.  He has heard me talk (probably ad nauseam) about the importance of playing with children.  So, he suggested I play with our daughter and took the household expectations off the table (they still had to be done some way or another, but by having placed play above all else he allowed me to do so as well).  

After visiting the new office that I am currently getting ready for clients, we came home and played.  We played dress up with princess dresses, wands, superhero capes and masks, and even dressed up the cat!  She guided me through a beautiful play scenario where her toy cat was able to stay at a play date while the mom (Wonder Woman!) went to the beach.  I don’t know about where you are, but I am in Colorado in mid-February, so a trip to the beach sounded A ma Zing!  Spending time at friend’s houses without mom or dad is a something she has been emotionally processing with friends at school with talks of playdates on the weekends.  In true fashion (usually it takes a few times for the play to be resolved), she played this scenario out 5 or 6 times before we moved to the next activity.

So, why would I want to focus on play?  What is the importance that my husband understood and granted permission for?  Most importantly, why should it matter to you as a parent?

Play is the language of childhood.  If you ask any early childhood teacher, therapist, or even recreation provider (i.e. dance instructor), they will tell you this.  Children need play to understand the world.  They also tell us their experiences through their play and what is going on inside of their heads.  When I spent an hour playing dress up and playing a mother at the beach, my daughter was able to communicate her desire for a play date without me and also to think about what that would be like for her.    

She will often become “the mommy” and will tell her sad children that she’s sorry she is too busy to play, but she has to … do dishes, cook dinner, or is just too busy in general.  Ouch to this one!  But I will allow her to play it out without rescuing or arguing that I do play with her because she does have to figure out how to manage the feelings that come up when the object of her desired play interaction either can’t or won’t play with her.  Disappointment is inevitable and giving her the space to experience it in a setting that she controls also allows her to try out different responses and/or experience the different directions things can go.  It allows her to let the stuffy who is her “child” feel angry, feel sad, cry, whine, or find something else to do.  It also allows her to begin to experience some empathy (putting herself in the shoes of another person) on the part of the “mom.”  She is choosing to play the mom in this situation and is managing the big emotions of the “child”.  Isn’t this what we all want our children to know, to learn, and to practice – problem solving, coping with big emotions, and managing conflict?  How amazing is it to think that they could learn this through their play, and we can watch it happen?

We also recently experienced a death in the family and although my daughter presented to us that she was not upset when we told her, we noticed she started throwing herself onto the floor dramatically.  She did this several times and my initial wonder was whether or not she was tired.  But when I simply stated, “you’re falling on the floor,” she began saying “I’m your grandma and I’m dead, you have to come and visit me.”  I agreed to follow this play rather than make a statement about how she can’t say things like that or how upsetting that statement was.  I instead said, “I’m visiting you – and you are dead?” at which point, she would awaken and say she’s ok.  It wasn’t a close family member who passed, certainly not her grandmother, but what I understood about her play was her understanding and concern of the ever-present possibility that someone she loves could die or be gone forever.  She was able to process death in this scenario without the permanence of losing her grandmother.

Now, I know that these might sound like dramatic incidents of play, but they really are things that happen every day.  The question is how can you begin to see your child’s play and begin to understand what they are managing or communicating?

First, allow your child to lead you in play if you can.  I promise you aren’t giving up your status as the adult in charge when you do this.  You can still set limits around safety and remind them of household rules.  It is amazing to witness the worlds, the scenarios, and even the dialogue your child can create.  Sit back and be wowed by who your child is and have fun too! It’s ok to join them in this space.  They will appreciate you trying to understand them.

Second, simply just reflecting what you are seeing or hearing can be so helpful to your child.  I know it’s often difficult for us adults to get down on the floor and really get into the play with a million things bouncing around in our heads.  Even if playing is difficult, sharing what you are seeing or asking basic questions is enough to join the play.  You might say, “The mom is going to the beach while you stay with a friend?”  This allows you to be in the moment with your child.  It expresses that you see them and that you are here with them.  It also models for your child how to be reflective because they will need to think about the statements you are making, and this promotes cognitive development and problem solving.

Third, attachment.  I know that almost all of my blogs will mention this word and that’s because I think it is so important it should be mentioned at every opportunity.  When you play with your child you are teaching them how to be in a relationship.  You are making eye contact, smiling, and sharing in a conversation.  It’s the back and forth of a conversation, or even passing a ball between you that builds the brain networks needed for a healthy self-esteem and general understanding of what a relationship looks like.  You have the opportunity to set the stage for a lifetime of how your child feels they deserve to be treated, not just by you but by friends, future partners, future employers.  By playing with your child you are building the foundation of their future relationships.  If that isn’t powerful enough to put the dishes aside, I’m not sure what is.  Most parents I have met, and I’ve met a lot of parents, want their children to have good relationships and a happy future.  I’m sure you feel the same.

Last, don’t take your child so literally.  When children communicate through play they are not speaking, not the way you and I do.  This is not a linear/logical conversation, it is primarily metaphorical.  When children get into a play scenario where they are working through some things, they are playing out what scares them, what worries them, or what is confusing to them.  They might repeat the play scenario multiple times before moving on to something new.  And, the majority of their play will not be an expression of greater processing, but just plain having fun and learning – and who doesn’t love that?!?  

Hopefully you’ve learned a few things about your child’s play and feel motivated to spend more time watching their play, reflecting on their play, and getting down there to play with them.  If you notice play that is consistently coming up over and over or creates a sense of panic and dysregulation in your child, you might consider contacting a play therapist.  Consider this especially if you are also noticing consistent challenges with sleep, separation, excessive worry or fear, being easily upset by certain noises/touches/smells/or places, or emotional outbursts or meltdowns.  You might also consider this if you experienced a difficult childhood or relationship with your parent growing up, and the thought of playing with your child leaves your brain spinning.

A parent-child play therapist would help your child process the disturbing or upsetting material while helping you support your child, learn how to play, and build a trust that you can handle these big emotions and all of the play your child can dish out.  You are your child’s best support, teacher, and foundation provider.  You can do this, and your child will, no doubt, benefit from your efforts.    

For more information on the importance of play:

https://www.zerotothree.org/resources/series/play-with-me

https://pediatrics.aappublications.org/content/119/1/182

Written by April Galligan, LCSW IMH-E@

https://upliftmechildtherapy.com/contact/

What Parents Should Know About Their Young Child's Emotional Health

You are a parent and this little human is looking at you, watching you, learning from you, and needing you.  There hasn’t been any time in your life when you’ve known this profound feeling and it is an experience that is difficult to explain (full of awe, terror, love, frustration and overwhelm to name a few of the mishmash feelings you experience day after day).  No matter how old your child is, the feelings are there, reminding you of just how important you are.

But I don’t have to tell you this, because you experience it.  You feel it in the space between yourself and your child – that vast space where actions and words are heard, seen, interpreted, and where each individual takes what they can from the relationship or puts limits on the relationship.  This can be difficult.  The demands of life and our other relationships can make prioritizing this interaction challenging.  There isn’t enough time.  It’s hard to know when to respond with limits and tough love versus a hug, especially when everyone around us seems to have an opinion about it.

Children can also make this difficult as they navigate the world and learn how to get their needs met.  Just like any of us, they see what works and they keep doing it.  If a baby cries and their parent responds by picking them up, changing them and feeding them, they will continue to cry when they need these things.  Older children understand that some behaviors get them the responses they want from their parents – throwing a tantrum gives me the individualized attention I was looking for or results in parents giving in and letting me have what I want.  These are basic ideas of learned behavior.  But what if it is more complicated than this?  What if the relationship actually impacts behaviors?

Our ability to be present with others depends a lot on the emotional reserves we have available.  If it was a hard day and we’re exhausted, this will show in how our children respond to us, because it shows in how we respond to them.  Think about this one, because it is important.  It’s easy to blame one person for their behaviors/responses without taking the time to think about our own piece in the interaction.  What did I bring home with me and how is it seeping out onto those I love?  This takes practice, mindful intention, and a willingness to be self-reflective. 

Each of us also brings a history to every relationship.  In this case, our history with our own caregivers can impact the relationships we have with our children.  If we grew up feeling like our parents knew how to meet our needs by providing love, safety, play, and emotional availability, it will be easier to know what this looks like and how to provide it.  If we grew up with parents who could not consistently offer the emotional support we needed, or who struggled with safety, or understanding what is typical of children, we too could struggle.  This relationship we had with our parents could take hold for generations if there isn’t a conscious awareness and willingness to try something different.

As parents we often co-regulate our young children’s emotions.  This is, that we provide the stage for how they might react or feel in any given situation.  If we are feeling scared, anxious, angry, or frustrated and struggle to manage these feelings, it is likely that our children will also respond to us with fear, anxiety, anger, or frustration.  However, if we’re able to regulate our bodies enough to provide some calm, children will respond to the calm and regulated feeling they observe.  This doesn’t mean that parents have to be perfectly regulated at all times, but if continued behavioral challenges occur it is worth looking at what we are putting out into the world and if our child is responding similarly.  

Being present, mindful, reflective, and emotionally regulated is helpful to our children and their behaviors.  It can also be very hard to do when we feel triggered, overwhelmed, and even desperate in our interactions.  As we all consider building our mindfulness skills and ability to reflect as a method of managing stress, it is also important for engaging in relationships and parenting.  Sometimes this takes additional support from a therapist who understands the parent-child relationship and can support changing the things that are getting in the way.  

It might take looking at behaviors and how they are supporting the child to get their needs met; coming up with strategies and ideas to allow the child to try this in a healthier way.  It might also require spending time with the parent and how they experienced childhood and the relationship with their parent – supporting parents to find a way that feels better and doesn’t leave a lasting negative impact.  Lastly, it could involve parent-child therapy sessions to identify how you communicate with each other and how this is helping or hurting.  If you feel like you need this additional support with your young child, please reach out to an experienced therapist who can guide the relationship in a new direction and decrease behavioral challenges.  Learning these skills early can provide a foundation for years of positive interactions and guide you in raising a happy, healthy child.

Written by April Galligan, LCSW, IME-IV© 

UpliftMEchildtherapy.com     

Simple Ideas For Managing Separation Anxiety in your Kindergarten Kid

It’s fall, the kids are all back to school, and what is the #1 challenge I see coming through my door? Separation anxiety.  If you are a parent you’ve probably seen that panicked look in your child’s eyes – you’ve felt those little arms wrapped around your legs with super hero strength and those tiny hands grabbing at your hands, your clothes, your bag and literally anything else they can latch on to.  

Young kids often struggle with transitions and goodbyes.  An even if they’ve gone to daycare or preschool, the hugeness of elementary school can be overwhelming.  There are so many kids!  So much sensory stuff with noise overload, kids moving in all directions, new smells, adults everywhere, but none of them are your mommy or daddy. 

My daughter just started Kindergarten this year and I was right there on the blacktop with all of the other parents, watching my child walk up the stairs with tears in her eyes after I gave her 400 hugs and kissed her goodbye 200 times.  Those tears broke my heart and I asked everyone I knew if It gets better.  Some people said to give it a month and others said it can take up to 6 months.  I wondered, how can we as parents, handle this level of upset for 6 months?  It takes so much trust; trust in the school that they can keep our children safe, trust in the teacher that they might be willing to offer a hug when needed and to be fun and distracting in order to give our child a great school experience; trust in the other kids that they will be nice and welcoming.  But, we also have to trust ourselves that we can let go just enough to let them grow.

Most of my daughter’s classmates were able to slowly change from panic stricken, tearful faces to smiles and happy hellos.  But some kids still really struggle to be ok.  They can’t seem to calm down at school.  It might take hours to stop crying or they might run from the classroom or sit alone in a quiet corner, unwilling to participate.  Their parents are called day after day to help or to come and get them. These are the kids I see walking through my doors, their parents exhausted and torn between the need to help their child and the need to work or carry on with adult responsibilities.  “This has never happened before, I don’t know how to help her,” they tell me.  And I understand that this is hurting everyone.  It is painful and it’s consuming each and every school day.    

I recommend therapy supports at this point.  But, there are also a few strategies I give to immediately start offering some relief. Anxiety is usually grown out of scary beliefs or thoughts that are irrational (they don’t make a lot of sense if we really stop to think about them).  Your child might be terrified that bad things can happen to you only when they are not with you.  They might really believe that you are going to forget all about them and never come to get them.  Or, they might believe that you are literally the only person that can keep them safe. We adults might believe this one too.

The first strategy I recommend is to ask them what they are afraid of.  Sometimes they may not know but giving them space to share or play about what is scary will help.  Yes, pay attention to their play.  This can tell you a lot.  It’s important that you let them get it all out before you start the counterattack against the irrational thoughts.  Acknowledge how scared they seem to be and let them know you want them to feel better. They are not bad kids with bad behaviors.  They are scared.  Sometimes it’s surprising to hear what they’re actually thinking and the stories they will tell.

Second, try to think of ways they can have reminders of you throughout the day.  A lot of schools will encourage you to bring in pictures of your family they can put up in the classroom.  My daughter’s teacher allowed us parents to record a message to our child on the classroom IPads.  Maybe you could find a locket to put a picture in or make a special friendship bracelet together.  You could come up with a secret handshake or gesture that is just between you.  The book “A Kissing Hand For Chester Raccoon,” by Audrey Penn is a great way to normalize the fear and gives an idea of how Chester’s mom helped him feel better.

Third, consistency is key. As our children adjust to this change we have to be sure we do what we say we’ll do, consistently.  For example, at drop off, if your child wants you to stay until the bell, let them know if you can and plan to do it every day until they’ve adjusted.  If you have to go, let them know and come up with a special way to say goodbye.  My daughter is ok with me leaving but requires “air hugs” (acting like you’re hugging the air) as I walk away.  I’m sure I look silly, but I feel no judgement from the other parents and it makes my daughter feel better.

Finally, keep your cool. While all of the other parents standing by might have some idea of what this is like for you, it’s best that your child doesn’t.  Get your poker face ready and prepare to act like you believe everything is going to be ok. They need this from us, to set the stage for a normal day where there is no reason to worry.  You can cry when you get back to your car, or holler and yell at the anger you feel towards the school.  If you are feeling a lot of anger this might be a sign that talking to someone at the school is needed.  The psychologist, social worker, or even the nurse might be able to help think of ideas to help.  Don’t be afraid to make suggestions you think will help and to see if they are possible. Sometimes we need to advocate for what our child needs and what we think will help.  When we communicate with the school it helps us with that consistency piece we talked about too.  

I know these are simple strategies to support a challenge that seems anything but simple.  If you feel your child’s reaction to separation from you is bigger than other kids you see, give me a call.  I would love to help you all feel better.

http://www.upliftmechildtherapy.com

April Galligan, LCSW, IMH-E©; 720-273-1007

3 Easy Ways to Connect With Your Child and Manage Their Behaviors

I once had a supervisor tell me that she couldn’t imagine how I provide mental health services to young children. She said, “I just imagine you sitting in a room with a baby laying on a couch.” Young children do not sit on couches and tell us their biggest feelings, fears, or worries. They do not use words. They use behaviors.

One simplified way to view children’s behavior is through the lens of motivation. They are either trying to get something or get away from something. When my 4 -year-old daughter looked right at me and said she couldn’t find her Elsa doll, while holding it behind her back, she was trying to stall bed time. She wanted to continue playing. 

If we take the time to pause and ask, “What is this child’s behavior telling me?” we can avoid taking the behavior personally or becoming angry. My daughter wasn’t trying to “lie to me.” She wasn’t acting up to irritate me or start a power struggle.  She was using her resources to try and get more play time.

Once you understand the motivation you can use these simple strategies to manage the behavior.

Photo by Alexander Dummer on Pexels.com

Providing Empathy

Get down to eye level with your child. Allow them to see the concern and compassion on your face.  Use a soft and calm tone of voice. Eye contact and a calm voice help regulate your child’s emotions, allowing them to calm down and accept what’s being asked of them. The key is to be sure you are calm and regulated. A dysregulated adult will create a dysregulated child.

Validating Feelings

Let’s say someone cuts you off in traffic. You tell your friend the story and she agrees this would have upset her too. It feels pretty good right?  Children feel this way too. A 2-year-old who hits another boy who grabbed his toy is feeling angry. Simply stating, “It made you mad when he grabbed your toy,” can often calm the child down enough to problem solve the situation.

Teaching

Even young kids can understand complex feelings. Begin by teaching them what these feelings look like. Use your own face, pictures in books, or   even opportunities when you both notice other kid’s feelings. Describe what you see. “His face is scrunched up like this and his hands are in fists like this.” Make sure you show them with your own face and hands and give the feeling a name. You can also use times when you are feeling something, “Mommy is frustrated that it’s so cold outside.” The more children understand their feelings the more likely they are to use feeling words instead of behaviors.

If you’d like more information, the ZERO TO THREE website offers a multitude of additional resources for connecting with your young child. Check out the following link for ideas to support your child’s social-emotional development.

https://www.zerotothree.org/resources/series/developing-social-emotional-skills